Boreder than bored.

Still out at Green Acres, house sitting. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the country and I LOVE my friends D&T, but I don't have MY things, MY critters around me...and I miss my honey. The kid is out in the little house (basically D&T's really nice bedroom suite, that's separated from the main house by a lanai), playing on his laptop, I'm in here, trying to be creative on my laptop... It's not working cuz Sylvan done kilt my writing urges (making me realize I suck as a writer, yo). I have the harlequin pit bull mix (Gandhi) on one side, the ancient, tiny Chihuahua (?) mix (Julie) on the other, and the bird, Britches on my shoulder. Britches is preening and just took a shit on my back *sighs*. The other dog, Maggie (a lab/Golden Retriever), is sacked out in the living room. I figure, if I let them in, the chickens would be draped all over me. Well, except the one renegade hen, who didn't get the memo about the week-long lockdown and has been free (freee...FREEE) all week. Where she's getting water and all, I dunno..but she's still cluckin' and scratchin' away.

I can't eat or drink with Britches on my shoulder because he thinks anything that goes to my mouth should also go to his....and if I use common sense and do NOT feed a blue parakeet thingy Diet Coke and Good'n'Plenties...he gets pissy and tries to bite me. Such gratitude I get for sharing my cheese, cherries, chicken (the cannibal!) blueberries, grapes, and dried cranberries with him. (I think the cherries are what's now decorating the back of my shirt.)

I knew I had the dogs in the palm of my hand when they tried to follow my mini-van to work this morning. Heehee.

The contractor finally got the sink out in the lanai hooked up (the kitchen is being remodeled, so we've been roughing it all week), but only one drain works right. Oh well, it beats hauling the water by hose and bucket.

Sunday I feed everyone one last time and then go home...D&T are supposed to be back from NY in the afternoon. Meanwhile, I sure hope cherry-flavored birdshit does not stain teal colored cotton.

me meme

Posted this on my private blog, decided to share here.

I’ve decided I don’t like most of the questionnaire-type memes out there because 98% of them are written by 13 YOs whose main thoughts are about sex, kissing, sex, drugs, dating, sex, and boys. So, I’ve like, you know…like, um, written my own. ;)


And yes, there will be sex.


1. If you could pick your first name, what would it be?

Being the same person I am now, I’m not sure, cuz I don’t like most female first names. Perhaps Kate, which is the nickname for my middle name.


2. If you could give people one piece of advice and be guaranteed they’d follow it, what would it be?

It is NOT all about you. Really.


3. If money were no object, and your family agreed with you…where would you live?

Seattle or perhaps somewhere in England.


4. If you could go back and do it all over…what job would you have now?

I’d be a forensic pathologist.


5. On someone else…what size boobs do you prefer?

Medium to largish..but not HUGE. The shape is sometimes more important.


6. On yourself, no surgery involved…what size? If you’re not female, you might want to think about this one. ;)

IF I were thin again, probably about the size I had. At this size…meh, I hate this size, so let’s not go there.


7. Pastels, colored pencils, crayons, or water color?

Pastels and water color…they work great together!


8. Beer, mixed drinks, or wine? If wine, red or white?

Beer or white wine, but there are a couple mixed drinks I like. Gin and tonic, martinis, Black Russian…haven’t had one of those in YEARS.


9. Mac or PC?

I like Macs better, but am stuck in a PC world.


10. To you, are wands air and swords fire, or the other way round?

I can see the case for both, but swords are forged in fire, their blades cut like fire, wands are part of trees, and trees rise into the air and move in the wind.


11. Sylvan glade or beach?

Sylvan glade!!! Beaches suck.


12. Which quarter do you call first?

North.


13. Your SO has no issues with it: would your extracurricular be male or female?

Can I have one of each, please?


14. Sugar cookie, chocolate chip, fig Newton, pecan sandy, or Oreos?

Sugar cookie, followed by fig anything. But I’d never, ever turn down a cookie…okay, so almost never.


15. Broccoli or Brussels sprouts?

Brussels sprouts.


16. Bleu cheese or ranch?

Bleu cheese.


17. Texmex or Pizza?

Oooh…that’s a tuffee….it’s a total toss up…no pun intended.


18. Oral or the real thing?

Yes, please.


19. You’re in The City…are you in NYC or San Francisco?

NYC


20. You hate weddings, but your BFF has lost her mind and is tying the knot…and has become Bridezilla from Hell. Do you let her have it, or ignore it all, cuz it’s her day?

Let her have it. BFF or not, bad behavior is bad behavior.


22.Do you stand in the wedding for her, cuz she’s your BFF and it’s her day? Or do you say no thanks, cuz you hate weddings?

I’d stand. As long as she 86s the bridezilla act.


23. Slippers or flip-flops around the house?

Flip-flops.


24. I say thongs, what do you think of?

Flip-flops.


25. George Bush is making a visit to your place of work. Do you call in sick, refuse to shake his hand, tell him just what you think of him, or deal, cuz he IS the prez, after all?

Deal. Everyone knows how I feel about this jerk. But, he IS the president and the office deserves respect, even if he doesn’t…plus, I have no desire to end up in jail, even for a few hours while he blows town.


26. Do you regret your first kiss?

Yes…it was rather unexciting, weird, and he tried to stick his tongue in my mouth!!!! GAH!!! ;) I think I was 13…14? maybe, I had no idea what he was up to and my braces got in the way.


27. Which inherited trait(s) of yours do you least like?

My hair, my intelligence and artistic abilities.


28. Which one(s) do you like the most?

Is passive-aggressive behavior inherited?


29. You have the opportunity to do your job from home? Would you?

Same job I have now….no. Some of it I can’t and if I stayed home, I’d never get out of bed.


30. Can you read a map?

Yes. I LOVE maps. Love, love, love. If a book has a map in it, I’m constantly referring to it.


31. On a scale of 1-10, how lame was this survey thingy?

I take the 5th.

Pithy quotes

On the occasion of my new phone, a freebie from Verizon, I need to unload everything from my old one. One of my favorite things to do is go back and read my daughter's text messages. While they might not seem that funny to some, there are a few that just crack me up, others are just, well...L****. You have to remember that some of these are just random...not in response to anything, I just get them and it never ceases to make me smile.

Going to bed soon. signed on to check the lotto. Looks like I still have to go to work Monday.

What is it about a woman sitting in her car, blasting metal and smoking that make[s] street corner Christians think she's buying what they're selling?

In response to my message of "Help help I was held captive by a shopping demon in world market": Resistance is futile, human.

On Mother's Day: Thanks for hatching me.

I am on the Bus of the Annoying. All that's missing is Public Farting Guy.

RAGDOLL KITTENS! FWUMP. NO BUS, AM DED.

After a weekend of fiancé and his teenage son visiting: My house is a scary frat pit. Flame thrower, please.

What doesn't kill us fucking pisses up off.

On one of her cats: I'm being stalked by the wild orange snugglewort. Ah! It got me!

All Day long, the cats have been paperweights with ears. NOW they start playing. (12:02 AM)

My daughter just made a greenbean talk to me.

To me while I was shopping at a bookstore: Step away from the blank books.
[We have a history here, we two.]

I bought items and they're apparently all very dangerous, because they each got their own bag.

The following message: 4 items! 4!

Work! Feh, says I!

Am texting while driving! Mwahahahaha!!! [for shame!]

I'm always amazed at the bratty ways in which grown ass adults will act.

Followed by:

Woman in panera throwing a fit because they don't offer her fave sandwich anymore [recognize yourself, anyone?]

On her way to visit her boy in Dallas: Dude, there is still nothing in Hempstead. [her way of letting me know how far along the road she was...yes, I do worry about my 30-something kid, why do you ask?]

Help! Am pinned under a snuggly orange kitty! Send hot cocoa and blankie!

Red wine and chocolate chip cookie burp. Bleh

HAPPY PANTS! [I have no idea...]*

*have since found out that message was sent when she got home from work and changed into her happy pants, which are those drawstring pj bottoms....the happiest pair being covered with penguins!

Sharing

I have discovered, via a technology class at UT, a link sharing thingy, which I'm sure most of you already know about.

http://del.icio.us/

Mine is http://del.icio.us/MadameBizarro

This is really kind of cool, and will be a huge time-saver when reformatting or using someone else's computer.

Film at 11

To recap: some time ago, I took a rambling dive off into some sort of self-absorbed, self-wanking, self-analysis. I never found myself.

I don't think we ever do. All those hippy-trippy 60s types who wandered off on acid-induced journeys into the Great American West (or India) never found themselves. They became the establishment, drive Beemers now and can't find their shoes without their Day-Timers...or...they got stuck in the rift in the time-space continuum, migrated to Austin and sell flowers on the corner (All Hail Max Nofziger!) and then run for city council...or mayor. The rest kind of get stuck between the teeth of progress and adamantly refuse to sell out to bigger, badder bookstores or chain restaurants.

I've become convinced that "finding yourself" is not just a tired cliché, but the magic door into insanity. To find oneself does not lead to producing amazing works of art and music, or writing the hippest poetry, nor does it beckon us to normalcy, sanity, soccer-momness, or coffee klaches. It leads to finding that molten inner core that's too bright to look on...too hot to sit next to...the inner self is a scary bitch, and I'm betting you don't want to meet her (or him). The Inner Self, I'm guessing is best viewed through small garden gates as you wind through the labyrinth of your own mind (gah..where did *that* metaphor come from?)...sort of like glimpsing the marvelous courtyard gardens in the French Quarter...yeah, they look cool and inviting from here, but if you got in, would you really know how to act?

It's all about changing your viewpoint, changing the way you process things. You are as unhappy as you allow yourself to be. Hard shit to take when the world has dumped on your head, I know....and everyone is allowed grief, shock, anger and the whole range of emotions that go with any kind of loss. And, I suppose my daddy's old axiom applies: It depends on whose ox is being gored.

The only thing that really depresses me lately is thinking about what a fucked up world we are leaving to our children. Things are going to get much worse before they get better--if they get better. The worst thing we can do in this country is take our standard "God Bless America-head up and locked" attitude and think we are immune to it all. It's scary, really scary, and the thought of my 11-YO son coming of age in the middle of it just freezes me with panic at times. But then I cling to the hope that maybe he'll be one of the ones to help bring peace...or at least a respite.

All we can do at this point is keep our heads up, out of the sand, and not let the turkeys get us down, as they used to say.

Iron Kissed

Okay, so this one you might not want to let your 11 YO (no matter how precocious) read. It's still not explicit, but it does have much stronger sexual themes (like rape) and violence to it.

More books

Zipped thru Moon Called and Blood Bound and am reading the third in the series Iron Kissed. Fabulous...and clean enough to let a teen read (or even my 11 YO son). Werewolves, fae, vampires...all told by a female mechanic who's a walker (shape changer). Complex, rich with detail, great stuff.

Sequel not until November...gah!

The newest finished book for today is Nina Harper's Succubus in the City. And yes, it's a knock off of Sex in the City. But I enjoyed it and can't wait for the sequel Succubus Takes Manhattan, (yes, also pre-ordered) due out in November. I hope she'll wrap up the love story and the mystery in that one...waiting almost another year to see will be crappy. ;) I had to ignore the stereo-typical man bashing: "men don't keep diaries." Yes, actually, they do, but they're usually called journals...my husband has kept one (volumes and volumes) his entire adult life. "Men don't care about our sexual pleasure." Bah, with a few exceptions, almost every man I've had tried very hard to make sure I enjoyed it...not his fault if I didn't. Yes, in a few cases he could have cared less... But, a good read, nonetheless. And the couple sex scenes are hot without being explicit or crude.

The tall blue cat (a Bastform demon), who's a librarian just cracked me up.

She gives a good insider's view of life in Manhattan, too. I looked up some of the restaurants and shops...they actually exist. Not places someone like me would ever be able to afford, but then I'm not one of Satan's Chosen.

Public
Cafeteria
Butter
Barney's
ONO --This one actually looks affordable!

Better in bed...

Just finished Jennifer Weiner's (that's like whiner, not weener) Good in Bed. And, while it has a few continuity errors (and she apparently does not know that looms do not produce knitted items, but woven items), it is, in a word, fabulous.

I recommend it highly.

What a novel idea....

One of the benefits of finally giving up playing Neverwinter Nights (NWN) is that I finally am able to finish a book. Recently, I've really gotten into the Succubus series by Richelle Mead (whom I insist on calling Michelle Read...). I've even pre-ordered Succubus Dreams, due out 6 October. They're funny, well-written, sexy without being crude, and imaginative. I kind of wish the Succubus series had a warning or something..although that wouldn't help any (in fact it would just encourage teens all the more)....she wrote the vampire academy series first, which are for young adults (read: teens). However, the Succubus series is most definitely not for teens. Well, it's not something I would want MY teens reading, at least. But, for adults into paranormal/urban fantasy, I highly recommend them.

As for the Magic series by Cheyenne McCray...don't waste your money or time. The most interesting thing about these is the author's name. She didn't even do basic research to find out that Anu was a GOD and not a goddess (sometimes, Wikipedia is your friend). [edit: okay, okay, I did the research and she meant Danu, the goddess. But she wrote D'anu and the heroine kept saying things like "Dear Anu, Sweet Anu, Anu please..." The goddess' name was Danu. Anu was a Sumerian god.] The hero of the third book, Wicked Magic, is an over-the-top, caricature of the rough, never-love-anyone-until-he-meets-the-heroine asshat. The sex-scenes were jaded and prurient and just plain boring after the first one. The writing is appalling, technically speaking. I tend to stick a book out, though, no matter how horrible. Your money, your risk.

Sherrilyn Kenyon's Dark-Hunter series looks very promising, though. I just finished Book 11, Devil May Cry and it was very enjoyable and you didn't really need to have read the first 10 in the series to "get" it. It's still a bit jarring to hear the gods talk in modern-day lingo, but I suppose they would have changed with the times (except Artemis--I crack up each time she gets a metaphor screwed up). I've gone in and put the first three Dark-Hunter books in my cart at Amazon (I buy used). I'll look for them meanwhile at Half-Price Books. I have a bunch of books coming anyway, so don't need these immediately. Here I am, needing to be rid of books...and ordering more!

Meanwhile, I've picked up a book that's been on my shelf for 23 years and I've never read it (don't laugh...I have some even older that fall in that category). It's Richard Adams' Maia...it's so huge, I'll probably be able to finish 3-4 other novels while reading it.

Privilege

Odd thing about that previous post....I never thought of those things as "privilege." I just thought of them as a normal part of life. Well, the ones that applied to me, at least. Private schools would be part of a privileged lifestyle...as would cruises and having your own credit card in high school (what a bad idea).

We had an old family friend who was a fairly well-known Texas landscape artist--her work hung in our house (most of what the family had was destroyed in Katrina), as did a good bit of my work (some of that went in the 10 feet of water, as well :( ). My grandfather's art was also up, and some original Japanese prints and watercolors. We didn't think anything about it...it just was. They didn't specify what sort of camp...does girl scout camp count? Or YMCA camp, cuz you have to have somewhere to stick your kid while you work? And where else do you stay, but hotels (or motels) when you're on vacation? The Y? Flophouses? Although I guess they might mean like staying in a really nice hotel for a week or more...in which case, never mind.

And as for reading to your kids...isn't that what you're supposed to do? Isn't that part of being a parent? To me, that's not privilege, that's an obligation, and people who don't do it are failing their kids...but then that's why so many of them can't (or won't) read, I guess. It just wasn't an option I ever thought about...in fact I beat myself up constantly for not reading MORE to my kids.

I never thought of my self as part of the "privileged" class...just upper-middle class.

Do re meme

Stole this from Queen of the Harpies

The privilege meme:

Bold all things that apply to you.

1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home.
9. Were read children's books by a parent.
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18.
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18.
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively.
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18.
(Women weren’t generally given credit in their own name when I was in high school)
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs.
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs.
16. Went to a private high school.
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels.
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
21. Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them.
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child.
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house.
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home.
25. You had your own room as a child.
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18.
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course.
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school
(no, but I had one in the 6^th grade)
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college
(IRAs didn’t exist, lol)
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
31. Went on a cruise with your family.
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up.
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

And now, for my kids.

1. Father went to college
2. Father finished college
3. Mother went to college
4. Mother finished college
5. Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
6. Were the same or higher class than your high school teachers.
7. Had more than 50 books in your childhood home.
8. Had more than 500 books in your childhood home.
9. Were read children's books by a parent.
10. Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18.
11. Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18.
12. The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively.
13. Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18.
14. Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs.
15. Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs.
16. Went to a private high school.
17. Went to summer camp
18. Had a private tutor before you turned 18
19. Family vacations involved staying at hotels.
20. Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
21. Your [grand]parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them.
22. There was original art in your house when you were a child.
23. You and your family lived in a single-family house.
24. Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home.
25. You had your own room as a child.
26. You had a phone in your room before you turned 18—or a cell phone
(daughter didn't, son will probably have a cell phone before 18)
27. Participated in a SAT/ACT prep course. (son will)
28. Had your own TV in your room in high school
29. Owned a mutual fund or IRA in high school or college
30. Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16 (daughter has, son hasn't yet)
31. Went on a cruise with your family.
32. Went on more than one cruise with your family
33. Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up.
34. You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

Different sorts of privilege for me and my kids. Interesting.

This meme is from "What Privileges Do You Have?", based on an exercise about class and privilege developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University. If you participate in this blog game, they ask that you PLEASE acknowledge their copyright.

Filch

While I ponder the second part of the promised never-ending self-analysis, I stole this from my daughter's blog, simply because she expects it of me (as in I'm the one person she knows will answer the list).


1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I think it was my maternal grandfather's mother...but as it turned out, I was also named after my paternal grandfather's mother, too...it's just that neither parent knew that she was also a [name].

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Really cried as opposed to tearing up? Can't remember.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I had a writing instructor in college say that like the smell of their own farts, people like the sight of their own handwriting (which is why he required us to type all our papers--in the time before word-processors and computers :P ). I like my handwriting when I'm being careful. I love my signature. I hate my handwriting most of the time, though, it's inconsistent and hard to read.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Ham or liverwurst.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Yep. Two...26 years between them.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Probably not, which is a harsh thing to say about yourself.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Heh..you're joking, right?

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Nup. Out at 13, baby.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
*stares blankly*

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Basic 4, Total Raisin Bran

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
When I wear lace-ups....sometimes.

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
To quote the kiddo, kind of: Mentally/emotionally? Yes. Physically? Sort of. I can do a lot of things that people don't think I should be able to do, but on the other hand...I have to get my husband to grate cheese and scoop ice cream.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Plain ol' vanilla or Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia or pralines'n'cream.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
mm...dunno...with guys it's their shoulders *pants* but mostly I'd say the whole package...maybe eyes?

15. RED OR PINK?
Blue.

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
To quote led kid again: my temper and my insecurity around people, but I'll add my fat-ass body and the fact that I've wasted all the talent Goddess gave me.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST
My dad

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Well, since I'm not sending it out...and maybe 1 or two people *might* read my blog....it's a moot point, eh wot?

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Blue pants, black loafers.

20. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
Baked potato....er no, I take that back, 4 robin's eggs (the candy, you doofus).

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The hum of my printer, voice across the hall and the fire doors opening and closing.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Is there a multi-colored one?

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Lavender, bacon frying, the air after rain, rosemary, yarrow, roses

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My best friend, Dory.

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Stole it from my daughter...and she doth rock the earth. <3>

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Baseball, baby!

27. HAIR COLOR?
Faded red-gold with lots of grey and silver, au naturale!

28. EYE COLOR?
Blue.

27. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
I used to before I had lasik.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Almost anything I don't have to fix myself.

31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Happy endings.

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Either Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets or Pirates of the Caribbean: The Black Pearl--I can't remember.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Coral polo, a work shirt with logo

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter, as long as it's here in Austin.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Yes.

36. FAVORITE DESSERT?
Almost any..maybe ice cream or sugar cookies or pumpkin pie with whipped cream....

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
See #18

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND
See #18

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
I have several that I've started some time ago, and need to pick up again: Dianne Sylvan's The Body Sacred; the First Earthsea book, A Wizard of Earthsea; Rising Tide; I just finished Succubus Blues and Strands of Starlight

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Don't use one at work.

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON T.V. LAST NIGHT?
Don't watch TV

42. FAVORITE SOUND?
The little "mrr?" noise one of my cats makes, the hungry-I'm eating noises my son has made since a baby (you have to hear it to understand), the rumble of a powerful engine

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
The Beatles.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Well, I suppose that depends on where I was living at the time...probably Nice, CA while living here, or NYC while living here.When I went from one coast to the other, I was technically moving, so not really away from home, lol.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
I can make dinner out of a practically empty pantry, I can differentiate between the most minute color differences, give the most amazing...er...look something shiny!!!

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
NAS North Island CA (NAS=Naval Air Station)

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
UM.

48. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?
0900 CDT

Cat in the Hats

Okay....this tidbit has forced me to write. I think I know why poor Snowman is no longer with us: the poor thing died of utter shame, mortification, otherwise known as feline humiliation. It's a dread disease that comes in the blood of clueless owners. 14 ..FOURTEEN...different ways this (I'm assuming) woman found to harass and humiliate poor Snowman.

Let's hope there's no cat hattery in the after life.

Help actually helped

Finally got this switched over to the right gmail account, so don't get confused by the name change down below.

Back to your regularly scheduled drivel....I crack myself up, posting announcements here, like someone actually reads this shit...or cares. :P

Is it just me?

A small rantish interlude before I get back to yesterday's thought. Why does this annoy me so? I've seen this before, people wearing glasses strictly as a fashion statement and not because they needed them. Until I had lasik a couple years ago, I was extremely nearsighted, and quite frankly, it's a disability, not a fashion statement. To my way of thinking, wearing glasses as an accessory is insulting to those who have no choice. Think about it...would you wear a wheelchair or leg-braces as accessories?

Macho--or fun with Self Analysis Part I

I really do think sometimes I would have made a better guy. I think in a past lifetime, or several of them, I was...and more than likely one of "those" guys. I can compartmentalize things in my life with amazing ease, I tend to be insensitive, my spatial abilities outstrip most guys I know, as do my mechanical abilities. On the flip side, I notice things that a lot of people don't. If I tell you I didn't notice, I'm either disinterested or lying because I'm disinterested.

Also, as I age, I find myself attracted more and more to women...freaky, I know. And this is the part where L might want to stop reading and pick up in the next paragraph. If I picture myself as being...well, intimate with a woman, the first thing that comes to mind is having sex with her as a guy, not as two women would...which tells me there's some kind of residual memory there.

I say all of this because my insensitivity struck a chord with me today. I'm particularly, like my dad was, insensitive when it comes to fat people...although I at least do not make the snarky comments, especially where they can hear me, like Daddy did. I do understand that being fat is not the real issue. Deep, underlying pain usually is (barring the relatively rare cases where hormone- and/or thyroid-imbalances are the culprit). If the underlying issues can be faced and "handled" then the idea is that the overweight person can then love themselves enough to pursue losing weight, or more correctly, getting healthy.

You might think I'm one of those skinny bitches who don't understand...you'd be wrong. I'm 100 lbs over where I was when I was 20. It's taken me 35 years to get there, but today I weighed in at 219. I'm fat. I'm fat and no amount of rationalizing will soften that. The real bitch is that when I was 118 lbs, or 124, or even 130, 140...I thought I was fat. 145 was like the end of the world for me...and now here I'm facing size 20s if I don't stop the upward spiral. So, why, you ask, am I not sympathetic to the fatgirls? I am. But not to the point of saying it's okay to be fat. It's not. It's okay to love yourself enough to take care of yourself. I think that's at the bottom of my fat issues, really. I hate myself, I hate my body for the treachery over the years and this is some sort of mental time bomb I've planted. It’s a vicious cycle, though. You hate yourself, so you’re mean to yourself, which makes you uglier, so you hate yourself even more, because now, instead of just being a loser, you’re a fat loser, ad infinitum.

Sylvan posted this today and I wanted to cry, I wanted to reach out and hold her, to make the hurt go away. My overly vivid imagination can come up with any number of scenarios as to why she was adopted at 2. Car wreck killed both parents, one parent was an abuser, the other was in jail, single mom just couldn’t cut it anymore…the possibilities are endless. She has let go of that…or at least it seems that way, only someone delving more deeply than she’d really want them to could find out for sure. Does it matter, in the end? Probably not. She was adopted by a loving family who raised her and made her their own. The reason this is relevant is the whole Inner Child vs needs vs wants and why are we fat. She’s had her weight issues, I understand, since she was a girl. I thought I had weight issues 30 years before I really did. And now I have serious ones.

I had a therapist who is convinced all weight issues (save the aforementioned biochemical ones) have emotional roots. And that includes the under-weight issues as well as the over-weight ones. Whether you’re anorexic, bulimic, or tipping the freight scales at 400 pounds, you have an emotional problem that needs to be discovered and dealt with before the weight issues can be addressed. The “dealing with” part is the hard part. How does one “deal” with something like that. Not to mention knowing what it is might even make it worse, might make you so depressed that you drown yourself in whipped cream-covered jelly donuts. I have no such past. I was not only wanted by my parents, I was, according to them, planned. Essentially they said they wanted a blue-eyed, blonde-haired little girl and they got one. (And you see…right there I was tempted to write: and what they got was me; thereby devaluing myself yet again. I’ll give in to the temptation by merely saying: Well, at least I stayed blonde for a few years.)

So, back to this Inner Child-needs-wants-and body issues thing. Yes, I know I wander and ramble, but hell, this is a blog, not RHE 306.

I have at least four different facets to my personality, and over the years I’ve identified them and even named them. Nan is just me, Katie is the party girl, the flirt, the joker, the funster (haven’t seen a whole lot of her lately), David is the logical, reasonable one, and Roxanne is the complete and total bitch; if I have an inner child, it is she. I’m thinking I probably have another male personality, too…one who is not as well-defined, but is the sex-crazed prick…?

I do have a number of theories as to why I’ve tanked out. The whole process began with turning 30 and not realizing that I *had* been like my mother and father, in that I was actually rather thin in high school (my mother did not get curves until she was 17, when she went through puberty, so when I curved out earlier, going through menarche at 12—like a normal girl :P—she thought I was overweight.* I can remember it being intimated that I was carrying too much weight when I was still in high school…and I was 115 at 5’5”!!!!) Here’s 18, 5’5” and 118. On top of that, my first husband (who dated the ultimate skinny mini in high school) called me chubby at 120 lbs. Now granted, he was young, but so was I, so I didn’t have the experience to tell him to shove it…as a result of those two histories, I went into my late 20s, early 30s thinking anything over 125 was utter disaster. So, when I approached 128, 130 (had a bf at that time telling me I was fat, too), I think I started beating myself up at that point. Even at 28, 128, I had a fabulous body, but in my own mind, I was over the hill.

This is what my father hated on TV…a two-parter (invariably, he’d get wrapped up in some TV show and discover at the end that it was …to be continued…and he knew he’d be on the road. Well…hope you’re not on the road when I finish this, but I’ve made a commitment to myself to work out and that’s where I’m off to…

*In talking to her now, 40 years later, she says I was the one worried about my weight and she used to tell me I was fine. Not how I remember it...but...

The word of the day

Ineffable

Gee....and I always thought it meant something like concrete...not fuckable...In-eff-able.


*sighs* Just kidding.

Um...?

It seems the evil fairy of writer's block has caused a dearth of words available to me...I can't even come up with a catchy one-word title for a post. *sighs* Perhaps it's because I can only extend artistically in one direction at a time. Lately I've been trying to paint and draw more...and it seems to be sucking at the teat of creativity and running it dry, or not so cheesily put, stealin' mah werdz.

*another sigh* I hate resorting to lolcateze in order to cadge a chuckle...or groan, as the case might be.

Sitting here at work (yeah, sue me), drinking diet coke, eating way too oily peanuts on a dodgy stomach, wondering why I don't just go home (would involve calling the spousal unit and having him give up his comp time to haul my ass home), and if I can type this, why can't I sort through ancient accounting records and get them in order.

This is more fun?

I hate working, I hate getting out of my nice, comfy, cat-strewn bed on someone else's schedule. It sucks, and I've been doing it for nigh onto 38 years..at the risk of repeating myself, I say again..it sucks.

Four more years until I retire...and then I'll still have to work. I'm going to look into learning something like web-design, or medical transcription, something I can do from home in my t-shirt and sweats, yanno?

For those of you who were in suspense over this *cricket chirping* I was initiated on the 24th of February. Sylvan wrote an incredible ritual that had most of us crying at the least. Won't give it away, in case she wishes to use it for future initiates, but suffice to say it was awesome. And no, not crying in a scary way, well, not scary the way you might think. More like rebuilding yourself scary. We had the post-class-initiation "feast" yesterday...and a more unlikely spread of food you couldn't imagine. Sylvan brought leftovers from her dad's birthday party...the usual suspects, fruit, cheese, veggies, dips, salsa, chips, olives, etc. summer sausage, and she bought some chocolate-covered, pecan evilly decadent hockey pucks on the way home..one is enough to die from insulin shock. The wild redhead brought some sort of choco-chocolate cake that I didn't try, and the Kimmeister shows up with a bag of sunchips and a--ready for this?--dozen Krispy Kremes. ACK! and the worst of worst, I had eaten way too many apricots over the preceding 24 hours and yep...the worst. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say I wore home a pair of Sylvan's old lounge pants. >.<

After my trip to the loo I noticed they had lit incense...go figure. *dies*

Told you this blog would not be pretty at times.

Le Kimmeister put it best...shit happens.

ttfn

Um....oh, hai! I'm in ur hed, makin thingz up

Sorry...the title is well, sophomoric, but it got your attention, didn't it? ;)

Four months to the day...what was this thing about turning over new leaves, etc? Feh...leaves, schmeaves...I write when the muse twhacks me over the head with a box of number 2s. I'm hoping my priestess/teacher is still talking to me...I asked her to repeat the snarky comment story and I guess a couple of the "we have nothing better to do than diss people more intelligent than ourselves" sites got hold of it. *sighs* You know, since skinny is considered "normal" and "desirable" (yeah, right, ask my husband about that one), and fat is "not normal" and "undesirable" (these are society's views, not necessarily my own), then it seems to be okay for skinny bitches to be bitchy about fatgirls in public and everyone's alright with that...

In a word? Bullshit. Here's the story, btw. I think Sylvan was completely and totally within her rights to a) be snarky to the ill-bred bitch, and b) to blog about it. Tit for tat, as they say.

I have yet to experience any of the rudeness that goes along with being fat...I think because I'm not young anymore. I am off everyone's scope, so to speak. And I still think fat people can do something about it if they wanted to...now, before you jump down my throat, there's a lot in that. Very often "being fat" is not the issue. Addressing other emotional issues is the issue...and those things have to be recognized, analyzed, and then dealt with before the fat thing can be tackled. And myself? I'm no one to talk, I've literally gained 100 lbs since high school. Good gods.. .bleah.

And I know, I know, I'm a horrible pagan...I don't find fat attractive or acceptable, but at least I'm well-bred enough to not SAY shit to people like Miss Jogging Suit. She deserved what she got, snarky comment and judgment included.

'Nuff for now...back to clearing nearly 20 years of clutter...mind, body, and house...