I should put this all in caps, because I really, really want to shout this at drivers:
Put away your fripping cell phone, the nail polish (yes, I did see a girl painting her nails while driving 65 down I-35 one morning), the make-up, the Big Mac, the GODDAMNED LAPTOP FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!, the sales figures, the CIGARETTES (why are you smoking in the car anyway??)...and DRIVE!!! Some of you even need to shut the fuck up and not talk to passengers while you're attempting to drive....hell, you shouldn't even have passengers.
95% of you can't drive worth a shit anyway and you're going to distract yourselves even more by talking on the phone (and no, you can't talk on the phone and not be distracted), paint your nails, put mascara on (??!?!?!?!), eat a taco and drink a soda, text, jack-off, or prep for your morning staff meeting while you're driving? Really.
Really??
Your car is NOT a kitchen appliance that conveniently gets you places. A car is made of steel, glass, and other not-friendly-to-humans substances, weighing on average 2000 pounds, and you're driving it down a street cluttered with other, equally clueless drivers in their one-ton deathbombs, pedestrians, cyclists (most of whom never grasped the idea they are, in fact, vehicles, and who are high on exhaust fumes--and possibly other things), pieces of tire, potholes, traffic lights, distracting signs, motorcyclists, and confusing road-signs; you're not the hot-shot behind the wheel you seem to think you are, and you're going to TEXT!?!?! You're going to add a distraction to the distractions when your ONE AND ONLY job should be paying attention to your driving?
And to the 18-wheeler driver who tried to kill me while he was texting--yes, folks, he was texting, at 65 miles an hour, driving a semi down I-35--I hope your sleeper cab gets bedbugs.
STOP SMOKING IN THE CAR WITH KIDS!!! Does that one even NEED explaining??
PUT YOUR KIDS IN THEIR SAFETY SEATS OR SEAT BELTS!!!!!! When I see this I get so angry I want to run you off the road...except that it would hurt your kids and they shouldn't have to pay for your stupidity. Don't make them by leaving them unbelted. Again...does this really need to be explained!?!?
Stop with the tail-gating, already.
Pay attention! dollars to donuts the third driver was texting or yakking at their kids
See that white line there, yes, right there...that's a lane divider. Pick a lane, ONE lane. Stay in it. Trying to take my lane is not acceptable unless you are at least one car length ahead or behind me.
See that little lever on the left-hand side of your steering column..yeah...that one...it's a turn signal lever (or directional indicator, if you prefer). FUCKING USE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! As much as I would like to be a mind reader? I'm not. Don't pull up ahead of me in the other lane, continue to look over your shoulder and then get wigged out at ME because hey, I might be watching traffic, not your body language to figure out you MIGHT want to move in front of me. If you can't figure out how to use the little lever...then just pull in behind me...or park it somewhere.
If I use my directional indicator? It does NOT mean "Hurry up and pass me"!
Everyone now and then has to use the cell phone. Fine...use it for 15-30 seconds, tell the idiot on the other end you're driving, you''l call them back when you pull over or get to work. Don't hang on the phone the whole damn trip to wherever you're going. I don't know how many times I've been scared shitless because the car in front of me was wandering all over the road, slowing down, jerking back into the lane...like the driver was drunk...only to find out the shitsack was ON THE PHONE!!! You aren't that good a driver to begin with, don't compound your issues. NO CALL IS SO FUCKING IMPORTANT...MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR LIFE AND THE LIVES OF PEOPLE AROUND YOU!!!! If it is life-or-death...do yourself and whomever is calling you a favor: pull over.
It doesn't take much to ruin someone's whole day....or life.
READ! Read the signs, people!! Good Gods. No where is the educational crisis more evident than on our nation's highways and byways. Good googly moogly. If you can't read...why are you driving? And yes, I'm serious. If you can't read English...get the fuck off the road.
Know where you're going. And go there. Don't be in the left lane if you're turning right a block later.
Use a little imagination. If you are 30 feet from the corner and need to pull all the way across, go back down the parking lot and pull out 500 feet from the corner so you have room to safely move over. Geesus.
It totally amazes me when I see how blase people are about driving that hordes more of you don't end up in a steaming, bloody heap on the side of the road. (And I won't EVEN get into littering and people throwing lit cigarettes out the window in Texas during a drought)...or that I don't end up accordioned into a tree trying to avoid your dip-shittedness.
Don't make this you.
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