The Devil in the Detail

I have punished myself for over 20 years...how and why you ask?

Well, the how is simple. I keep my house in an ungodly state of ....disarray? mess? chaos? shittiness?  which keeps me not only mentally unable to do the things I REALLY want to do, but physically keeps me from doing them, too.

Why?

Good fucking question, y'all.

I had this table nearly cleared off...and it is again, and in my defense, I was shifting things around trying to clear the BIGGER mess on my cutting table. *sighs* But this photo captures my world, my mind, the clutter that has become my life. I am not truly a horder...really... No...really! lol   But...I am a clutterbug. I can use all kinds of excuses, my ADHD, depression (erm...we know the clutter actually contributes to the depression, kind of a catch 22 sort of....fing...), because I work and have no patience/energy to deal with it when I get home...or maybe I'm just lazy...

But the root of it is my child mind doesn't think I'm worthy...yeah, it's the ol' lack of self worth rearing its ugly, pathetic, moronic head again.  I wish to kill it...yes...kill it.

I actually have cleared about 18" off the cutting table...woot.  Back for more...

New Adventure

This is the exploration of Gecko Hall (so named because of all the geckos around our house --and in it from time to time).

I'm hoping by putting this up here that I will be inclined to not only post about the progress I make (if any), but actually MAKE progress.

I apologise for the out-of-focus video. This camera is really old and I think it's about to get donated, maybe. I'd do better taking vids on either my Nikon or iPhone.

So without further ado...

Link to the video if this one won't play.

I cracked myself up watching the part about turning the light on in the studio...  what can I say? I'm easily amused.

xxn

http://www.unfuckyourhabitat.com/

www.flylady.net

Curse you...why'd you have to do that?

My wonderful, techno-blessed hubby figured out how to get the BBC iPlayer here. Not the craptastic BBC America, which shows only a few things and has US commercials, but the actual BBC iPlayer. We watch all sorts of shows (contrast to one or two American shows I watch--and only one of those on a regular basis, Castle). And the more I watch, the more I want to live in the UK. I want it so badly, it's a physical heartache. And...unless I win the freaking lotto...I know I'll never even visit.

Makes me loathe the unbearable heat of Texas even more. I know this probably isn't the way to look at it, and soon enough I'll make the paradigm shift just like I have with every other dream or fantasy I've had, so it'll fade to the background. Meanwhile, if anyone from the UK reads my site, send me photos, links, anything...tell me how to get from King's Cross to somewhere else, tell me about things in the store and living in a village...I know it sounds utterly insane, but if i can't go, I can sure as heck live vicariously, eh?


English village street, stolen from some random blog.

Ta.

Art, Depth, and Self-Doubt.

I have a very, very, very good friend, who also happens to be an author. She writes new-agey books on spirituality (that's how we met, in a round-about sort of way), and the Shadow World vampire series. Her blog, Crazy Beautiful, is down there on the right under RSS feeds, if you care to check her out--she's one of the most awesome people I know (and that's saying something, because I know some fairly awesome peeps).

Anyway....on Tuesdays she posts "Tuesday Currents" in which she writes about what she's eating, drinking, doing, watching, listening to, working on, thinking about, etc. Last Tuesday, she wrote about watching videos by Jennibellie, who is a drop-dead gorgeous young lady in Nottingham, England. She's an artist and makes these fabulous journals. I spent night before last, staying up waaaaaay too late, watching all of her tutorials. Why is this important, you ask? Well, it's a long story, and I'm not going into all of it here.

Happy New Year and All That Jazz...

2012

Twenty-twelve.

It beleaguers the imagination.

I've been trying to figure out why this particular new year's has been so devastatingly depressing. I mean...for a long time now, new year's has been one of those days I try not to think about. Just another day, new date on the checks, etc., etc. You know, the new year...is. It's just the inexorable march of time. One more year I can't go back and salvage. And I ain't gettin' any younger, either. That's a huge part of it, I know. I'll be 60 this year.

60

SIX-ty.

Shit.

That, in and of itself is enough to make me want to jump off a bridge (if I weren't afraid of heights). Part of the disconnect is that I do not feel 60, hell...I don't feel 40, mentally. Physically, my body is a disaster zone. Physically, I feel like I'm 90 most days. All this BS about 50 is the new 30 and 70 is the new 40, or whatever...those spinners never lived in my body. 60 is the new 90. Bah!

Instead of chronicling what I feel the issues are (which sounds suspiciously like making excuses), I'm going to try to take a page out of the sunshine and lollipop spin and look at ways to make 2012 a better year. I mean, you know...just not sitting around being morose would make it a better year, right?

First up, I'm decluttering the house. It's a gargantuan undertaking, but I'm gettin' 'er done, by gosh. In that vein, I've decluttered Mdme B's space here. My previous theme mirrored the usual state of my desk (might have even been cleaner...but I'll never tell), but I've noticed most of the well-read sites are simpler, with white backgrounds.

Before you get all mushy and think this is a list of resolutions, don't. I don't do resolutions. They set you up for failure. These are things I've already been working on or need to do anyway, new year or not. It just seems like a good time to trot out the list since one of the things I'd like to get in the habit of doing is actually, you know, like...USING my web site--what a novel idea. Which reminds me of another one on the list. Setting up a time to write, every day, same time. I might actually get that novel done before I really am 90.

Dump about 80-90 pounds. Didn't say pounds of what, now did I? (Technically, I've already done this: in decluttering in the last couple of days, I've trashed, recycled, and donated well over 100 pounds of schtuff. HA!) But yeah...part of the feeling 90 thing is this extra couple of bags of mulch I'm carrying around. Hee. In order to clearly demonstrate what carrying weight on your body is like, I use the following analogy: you know those bags of garden dirt, compost, or mulch? Each one weighs 40 pounds. I can barely tote ONE of those around. And I'm carrying at least two on a small, 5'5" frame that wasn't intended to carry more than about 145 pounds at the most. TWO! No wonder my knees are going and my feet hurt so much.  (218 when I last weighed myself at work before the winter break, if you MUST know.)

Another thing I'm going to try for is consistency. Juliet said something about the moon's inconstant orb...but you know, the moon is rather consistent. Each month, she does the same thing, perpetually. I'm not sure I'd want to be quite that predictable--and boring--but one could do far worse than be as consistent as Lady Luna.

Getting back on track being a vegesaur. Several times over the holidays, whether it was just because I was tempted by some yummy-meat thing or because there really wasn't anything else to eat in the house, I've had things to eat which I regretted later.  Regretted either because of guilt or because they upset my system something fierce.  This goes along with actually planning some meals, doing shopping, and cooking! Gah...I have a teenager, for crying out loud, and I rely on my husband to cook most of the meals, but he doesn't make veggies and green things, so no one gets the nutrition they should. *slaps own hand*

One last thought on this is time spent on the computer. It is a very useful tool, when used properly, but I spend too much time on FB and playing games, and not enough time doing creative things with it. Posting projects and the like here will be a part of a renewed effort putting what little time I have left on this earth to good use. Believe it or not, I actually go days without checking FB, I don't twitter, or Google-group...but I still manage to waste an inordinate amount of time on teh intarwebs. I love googling ideas, items, history, pictures, etc. THAT can really eat up time, lemmetellya.

So. I'm off to clean that other catbox, start a back-to-work-and-school washing marathon, finish scanning a kajillion photos for my boss (he's paying me), bake two more loaves of banana bread, wash dishes and continue sorting and culling 20 years of crap that grew in my house  and wonder if clutter is like mold or a fungus...does it spread by spores?

Farglesnoppers...I suck.

Every day, several times a day, I compose marvelous posts. I right the wrongs of the world, chew out ignorant drivers, belittle Christians who apparently have never read a word of the Gospel, and enlighten self-absorbed boobs who think Republicans are human. I chronicle all my various projects (I have projects. Really.), describe with humorous aplomb all the antics of my pets and lanky, truant teenager, and wittily discuss my latest reading adventure.

In my head.

My excuses for not actually writing these posts are legion. I can't really write that ;way; I'm doing real work, I have no before pictures, so why write about a project if no one can SEE the before and what a magnificent difference I've made?

Truth is? I'm lazy. And I suck. There you have it. The Universe is doomed. I could have saved the Universe, but I'm lazy. And I suck.

Did I mention I'm also rather silly?

Well, lookit that....

My daddy always used to say “...the road to Hell was paved with good intentions.” I wonder if that extends to those of us with ADD who start out with such good plans to change ourselves, to raise our kids right, keep the house clean, grow veggies, eat veggies, walk the dogs.... Well, you get the idea.

I was looking for notebook paper to once again try and make a monthly menu so I could shop more efficiently and I thought, oh, that binder I have...the one with the white horses on it...I’ve never kept up with the journal I started in it, literally 20+ years ago...there’ll be a ton of unused notebook paper in there. It’ll be a bit old, but still usable, no need to open one of the spare packs I have for the kiddo. Well, yes, there was, is, a ton of notebook paper in it. Also, dividers (labeled “Contract,” “Routines & Lists,” “Journal,” “Menus & Shopping,” “Diet & Workout”, a contract with myself, and a zipper pouch of pens, ruler, and stickies.  “facepalm” Wanna know the date?  19 JUL 09.  Yes, 2009. *eyeroll and another facepalm*

I don’t know whether to be heartened by the fact that apparently nothing’s (or very little) changed in my outlook, or to be very disturbed nothing’s changed in my outlook.

*confused look*

So, here’s the contract I wrote out then (and I REALLY wish WP would preserve Word formatting):

I.  Whereas –

A.  I am tired of being...

1. tired all the time,
2. fat,
3. stiff,
4. in pain,
5. in a disaster zone,
6. financially out of control,

B.  I am disconnected from...

1. family,
2. my body,
3. nature,
4. the Divine,
5. my creativity,

C.  I am Squandering...

1. years,
2. talents,
3. resources,

II.  I recognize I am...

A.  Intelligent,
B.  Talented,
C.  Resourceful,
D.  Determined,
E.  The only one who can change ME

III. Therefore, I resolve...

A. To Rejuvenate by...

1. stretching,
2. following a workout plan,
3. getting the proper amount of rest,
4. making healthy food choices,
5. develop my household routines,
6. create and follow a budget and pay-off plan

B.  To reconnect by...

1. having family meals at the table,
2. include Mother in more things,
3. meditate and pray
4. invite the Divine in through prayer and ritual,
5. set aside time for creating,

C.  [To remind myself]....

1. life is short, spend every moment wisely,
2. things don’t have to be perfect,
3. appreciate and use what I do have and not bemoan what I don’t have,
4. life is a work in progress and will never be finished.

IV.  My priorities are...

A.  To not overload by...

1. trying to do it all at once,
2. losing perspective,
3. expecting immediate results,
4. forgetting the larger picture by getting caught up in the details.

B.  Every night...

1.review the day

a. What did I accomplish?

b.  What was left undone?

• move to the next day –or–
• re-evaluate – do I need to do it

–tomorrow?

–another time?

–does something else need to get done first?

• Does a schedule or routine need to be changed based on a/b?
• [Write in journal, especially things I am thankful for]

2. review and prioritize tomorrow

3.  follow the routine

C.  Remember I am part of the web...

1.  I am central to my, if I don’t care of my needs, no one else will,

2.  [but] I also touch and impact others,

3.  some small thing I do –or don’t do–can resonate billions of light years away, plucking the web and thereby change the Universe,

D. don’t let “C” get [me] down,

E.  don’t be your own worst enemy,

F.  follow thru through [hahahahah]

G.  KISS (keep it simple, silly!)

19 July 2009 then, is the first day of the rest of my life, the day I choose to be reborn. I make this covenant with myself, the Divine within and without as my witness.

I was going to rewrite or type up the contract but I want it to be as is, imperfect, fluid, dynamic, and alterable, like life itself.

Follow through!

//signed//

19 July 2009
-------------------------------------
It would be laughable...it is laughable...but it’s exactly what I would write today.  There’s some reason I found this today, some pivotal moment, I suppose. Trying not to read too terribly much into it, but I’m renewing this and am going to put effort into seeing it through.

But...all my friends are doing it....

At least one of my friends likes to post a "things I like" list every now and then. She'll post different themes of "ten things." I must admit, I'm not nearly so ambitious, but then Dianne's written four books now (three are published, the fourth is being published), and is writing a fifth, she blogs constantly and writes "other fiction" on a regular basis. To be completely honest, when it comes to writing, she is what I wish I were. Ha! I always have been a dreamer.

But, as they say, I digress.

This is just a general, "here are things found on the intarwebs I love plus" list.

1.  I love planners. I never keep them up like I should, but the idea of organizing my life on little lined pages just enthralls me. As I said, I always have been a dreamer.

2. Like Dianne, I love sticky notes; my planners have a plethora of sticky notes in them (which is a problem with digital planners: where the hell do you put the sticky notes??). But I also love paperclips and binder clamps.  Once again, I think it's the whole organizational thing....I picture all my papers and to-dos neatly clippered and clamped with nifty clips and I'll be able to look at a stack and presto! I'm saved.

3.  I love  boxes. Of any kind.  Boxes.  And more boxes. And even MORE boxes. See above. My family believes I secretly know if I get enough boxes, my problems will all be solved. Heh...yeah...I'll get back with you on tht. (OMG....that search sets my heart to fluttering...BOXES!!) Oh...and these, too.

4. Let's face it, I love office/school/art supplies. Period. Different colored pens, markers, sticky notes, notebooks, paper, blank books, rulers, sketch pads, pastels, brushes, you name it. *sighs*

5. I love this room.

6. I love these bookshelves.

7. I love my new washer and dryer. After all the hassle of getting the washer to work and a part replaced, they work great. (Maytag Centennial series).

8. I love my boss. Not that way. He rocks. He might be a colonel, but he checked his ego at the door. He's still intense, demanding, and a control freak, but once you understand that he's all about the mission, you get it. There are still days when I could cheerfully boot him in his flightsuited arse, but then I can also TELL him when he annoys me. The other colonels I've worked for? Oh, hell no. He's PCSing this summer and I'm gonna miss him.

9. I love April and October. which just happen to be my and my son's birth month (April) and my mother's and three of my best friends' birth months and my anniversary month (October).

10. Kismet.  Via Facebook I just found this. I love it. What amazing advice from such a youngster ;).

Now, if you're paying attention (and actually have taken a look at Dianne's lists), you'll notice a big difference. She actually writes about each item, discusses it, tells you why she likes it, irrationally or not. I suppose that's telling. It tells me why she's a writer and I'm not.  But it also tells me I can't always tell you why I like something. Or, conversely, why I hate something. (Although I can easily tell you why I hate some of the ignorant stupidity surfacing these days. [Again, I digress.])

The road to hell...and all that jazz

I can't figure out if I've really been that busy or if I have a mental block against posting...or if there's just so many ideas running around in my ADHD-addled brain that I can't figure out what I want to post on.  If I posted on every little idea that staggers along, there'd be a kabillion and one little, disjointed posts. I have a notebook with me, but usually when I'm thinking about such things, I can't write...you know, potty breaks, on the bus, etc. (I can't read, write, crochet, or use the computer in a moving vehicle or I get seasick).

Recently I've had posts in mind about obesity, politics, religion...huh...what else is new...but also my house, products, decorating, sewing, etc, etc. *sighs*  I guess if I can't actually DO those things, I can waste time writing about them eh?

In tech news, Microsoft has done some king of weird merge with Instant Messenger (IM) and all your social media. The result...crap. I use my Hotmail account for two things (well, three, if you count IM): Facebook and for those things online where you don't want to put your REAL email account. I don't want it, or FB connecting to everything else I have. It's not that I have anything to hide, per se, but there are elements of my life I'd just really not like terribly public, you know? FB is my public face. I have friends who are co-workers, students in our department, relatives, friends who are not necessarily in my "inner circle," as it were, and I'd rather the two worlds not collide. although a couple of my close family read this site, I'd really like to keep the rest of the fambly blissfully ignorant of it. R says-re work and the 'net--to get ready for the "cloud." WTF-ever the "cloud" is. I neither want nor need my life clouded, thank you very much. There is a sufficient number of people, were they to stumble across this site and read it, who could quite handily figure out who I am. That's fine, I have no problem with that, but I don't want to advertise.

I have an LJ account and I've not posted out there in ages. Every once in a blue moon, I go out and catch up on everyone's posts (I have about 6 or 7 friends there), but haven't felt compelled to post. I've even been half-tempted to delete my FB account recently, after a mutual FB/LJ friend (and a very close personal friend) posted that some of her FB friends should "shut [our] cakeholes" in response to a comment on FB, and a vicious attack by a guy I went to HS with. (Did you know, all you liberals, that we're un-American, stupid, ignorant, uneducated morons? Makes me wonder how the hell I graduated from one of the top universities in this country in a fairly difficult degree, with a high GPA and how I got the job I have, with the military, no less...dang...I'm such an un-American moron. Ppfftt)

The cakehole thing is a perfect example of the anonymity of the internet. While this friend might have gotten testy with me in person for saying something (and trust me, it really wasn't that bad), she never would have gone off on anyone the way she did on the 'net. (To put my feelings in perspective, she said several people had made comments, but as far as I could see, I was the only one.) Perhaps I'm overreacting; it has been known to happen and I will admit the post was not directed at me personally, but I still was hurt.

(For the record, I find the terms "piehole" and "cakehole" to be extremely rude and offensive, so perhaps that added to the overall feeling of hurtness. Dunno. They're just words I never use, kind of like "scumbag," or "douchebag."  Just.plain.rude.)

I find, in general, that we say things--well type them--behind the shield of the 'net that we would never, ever in a million years say person to person. Makes me wonder if WWIII will be caused by two or three heads of state going at each other via e-mail some day.

Digging around, planning, thinking...

First off, I'd like to say how disappointed I was to find that this lady is no longer keeping this blog smoke and ochre. Rats.  There are so many nice, nice pictures and all on it. But, you know...a kabillion, bazillion, and 93 blogs on the intarwebs and so little time.

Now that the energy devil is not sucking my aura away every day, I'm finding I have enough get up and go to get a few things done. After we decommissioned the old building on Friday, I skated.  R had the day off (LBJ's birthday, doncha know), so he took me to work, went home, slept in, then came and picked me up. We didn't do much..picked up Taco Bell and came home. I crashed at some point and foo...what did we do Friday evening. I don't even remember....OH! Crap, of course! Sylvan's party! Oy, such a knucklehead I am. Her first novel is coming out, officially on Tuesday! I've read the first...second?...draft, but changes were made after it went to the publisher...anyhoo, her BFF, the self-same Laura of Pushing Furniture fame, threw a surprise party. R, W, and I went. It was fun, and we totally surprised Ms. Author. :D

Then we came home and I was kind of sick at 4 AM. Nauseous...and for awhile didn't know which, erm...end....would be a problem (hoping that it wouldn't be one of those, ah...double-ended things. I HATE that).  But as soon as I "went," the nausea went away and I was able to go back to sleep. Got up about 9:40 yesterday and spent a good bit of the day washing dishes and general clean-up, then went to Lowe's and Tar-Jay. Spent way more money than I should have. Dammit. But I had most of the $50 GC Laura's BF gave me for my birthday left. I bought a composter thingy.  Now to get it set up.  I had made a really cool FREE composter out of hardware cloth and a hula-hoop, but the dog can knock it over too easily to eat the scraps and eggshells. I'll use that for grass and weeds before adding to the bin.Dorky dog. I got some plastic potted plant pans, a nifty cobalt blue glass mister (on clearance for $1.62!), and some hose parts to repair hoses. At Target, I got some groceries, another pair of black leggings, and a few items of make-up. Yeah, make-up. Gotta problem with that? ;)

I also picked up a metric-ass-ton of paint chips at Lowe's and then sat on my bed and played with kitchen design until two AM!

One of the reasons I never get anywhere is...well, it's a many-layered thing...like an ogre. It is my decorating ogre. I can't make up my mind...then I have no money...and I change my mind...things go out of style...I have no money....I get more craptastic hand-me-down furniture that needs "fixing" (refinishing, etc.) and just looks like early Salvation Army meanwhile....then I change my mind...and I can't decide on a color scheme...ad nauseum.

I've gone from warm, earthy tones in the great room to working off the grey and charcoal palette in a print I have, back to the warmer tones.  I want a mind of Mexican feel to the kitchen and since the two rooms are, um...rather linked, to suddenly go to greys and blues would be weird. Also? I have this olive fabric, like 22 yards of it, for a slipcover for the sofa, and it wasn't fitting in with the greys in my mind. Well, it would, but there are tones of blue, charcoal and a deep, deep red-brown in the painting. I dunno, it might still work.  Otherwise, I'm not sure what to do with that piece. Feh.

So anyway, here's the latest grouping, sort of, of colors. It seems a bit washed out on my monitor. paint link

There'll be more of this, but I started this post three days ago, so I'm posting now.

The Daily Bull 8/15/10

Was supposed to Had told bossman I would go in and finish the library this weekend. Just don't have the energy, thank you very much. My house, never in the best shape to begin with, has REALLY been suffering from my lack of energy and being in such pain when I get home (damned move). Now that things are settling down a bit a work, I might be able to muster up enough steam to get my kitchen back in order. It's amazing how quickly R & W can mess it up.  You know...if they paid for that talent...

In other news, R has been commenting a lot on some website about smart phones or something. First he won a mouse, then a keyboard, then a $100 GC from Amazon, then another one... Then this past week, they emailed him and invited him to take part in some conference or other in Bellvue, WA. All expense-paid weekend AND he comes home with a prototype Win 7 phone. How fleeping cool is that? Finally, his writing starts to pay off! *gigglesnort* ETA: and then he won another $100 GC after all that!

Figured out how much money I had left. If I don't pay one bill (a certain credit card that's now really past due) I can get us by with cheap bread, bologna, beans, tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches...with the odd potato something thrown in. Going in to start a pot of beans in a minute and will make some kind of bread to supplement.

It's just so bloody hot out. The A/C struggles to keep up and if you go outside, your core heats up and it takes forever to cool off. I hate the heat; why am I in Texas? Why?

Half an hour..then I can go turn on the sprinkler in my front yard.

Classic scene this AM...letting Abby out...she dashes in her run, bounding six feet in the air, chasing the birds out of her territory. LMAO. They love the seeds in the overgrown wild sunflower jungle out there. I cut one down...with a tree saw! it was easily ten feet or more (I couldn't tell because it had fallen over) and the stalk was almost as big around as my chubby wrist. I think I will pull them up next year and plant more sedate hybrids in a controlled area. Geesh.

Stolen from the Mistress of Wildebeests. (man, that sounds so wrong)

House Beautiful's Color Personality Quiz

1. What's the first color you see in the morning?

Depends which side of the bed I'm facing. Mostly though, stripey cat butt.



2. What color are your eyes?

Blue. No, green.      aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!



3. What color do you wear the most?

Probably blue. I have a very boring, nondescript wardrobe (if you could even call it that).



4. What color do you never wear?

Orange! (well, except for burnt orange) and certain colors of green, yellow, and most shades of purple.



5. What color do you wear when you want to feel sexy.

Sexy? Me? Surely you jest.



6. What color gets you the most compliments?

Teals and turquoises are the best. They bring out my eyes and look very good with my redhead's complexion. (I'm now grey, but I still have the coloring)



7. What color is your lipstick?

Lipschtick? Vot iss dis lipschtick of which you speak?



8. What color was your living room when you were growing up?

I lived at 17 different address by the time I was 17...I think I remember a gold living room, but I'd be willing to bet almost all of them were some shade of off-white, ivory, cream, ecru, oyster...



9. What color was your bedroom when you were growing up?

Again...17 places. I had a couple of favorites, though. When we first moved to Lincoln, we painted my first bedroom a robin's egg blue.  It was light and cheery. After my brother moved down to the recroom in the basement, I got his old room and it was dark brown.  About the time my depression started...hmmm?  When we moved out to the country, I got to pick the colors in my room, and I picked a peacock blue and a bright apple green. I LOVED that room.  I'm going to try and reprise the colors in my sewing room.



10. What color are your sheets?

One set is a mellow gold and the other a deep avocado? Olive? not sure what flavor of green you'd call it.ETA: recently bought a set from IKEA that are a deep, luscious, eggplanty-purple.  Can't wait to put them on the bed.



11. What color was your favorite crayon as a child?

"Prussian Blue"



12. What color is your car?

Black



13. What color was your prom dress?

One was black velvet, another dark blue velvet, but the one I wore to both my junior and senior proms (different cities, states, and schools) was a kind of greenish gold and white brocade...sort..of...thing.



14. What's your favorite gemstone?

Garnet, Moss Agate, rainbow fluorite, onyx.



15. What is your favorite flower?

I have to pick one?!?!

16. What color makes you happiest?

A true, clear cobalt blue.  I can stare at cobalt glass forever. Although lately, I've been getting happy vibes from saturated wild colors like pink, turquoise, and purple.



17. What color depresses you?

It's very funny, blue is my favorite color, but unless it's dark either as an accent color or paired with lighter walls, I can't stand it on walls anymore (except in S1ren's bedroom, for some odd reason...). I guess I've lived too long or something, it just looks soooo dated it's depressing.



18. What color calms you?

Blues, as long as they aren't on the wall.



19. What color makes you grind your teeth?

Orange! Yellow on cars and a certain shade of purple.  *ralf*



20. What color would you like to try, but are scared to?

Bright saturated colors in decorating.  But Imma gonna do it!!

To self or not to self

I must admit I was a bit self-indulgent tonight. After I went up and registered W for his new middle school (and talked to a counselor there--wow, what a novel concept, a counselor who was actually interested in helping a student, in talking to him! The ones at his old middle school didn't even return your calls or your emails, let alone give a hooey about a student), I went up to World Market and browsed for about 45 minutes. Got some licorice and a bottle of wine (pinot grigio), strictly for the beautiful cobalt blue bottle it's in--I hope it's at least decent, a stocking stuffer for #1 child, a table runner on sale, some orange marmalade, and a pair of wine stoppers in colors I just couldn't resist. Me-time & money I couldn't really afford. Dammit.

But you know, lately I keep thinking about the fact that I'm tired in mind, body, and soul...I've been working for nigh onto 40 years and quite frankly, there is no retirement in sight. Not unless the BOMITS fairy strikes.* Just knowing I spent almost 50 bucks on things I didn't really need should be a large enough clue that I don't handle money well, so it's no stretch that I have credit up the wazoo that needs paying off. If I didn't I'd be rolling in extra cash each month. What the hell is wrong with me, anyway?

I'm in too much pain in feet, hands, shoulders, hips, knees, wrists to even think about a second job. I'm dead when I get home from the first one as it is. No energy to do anything but eat some totally unhealthy crap, check email, play a few minutes of some mindless game, write a bit, read a bit (all of which can be done either sitting in a chair or in bed), and then die until 6:30 the next day. I know, I know, better diet, more activity=more energy, etc. I can't even get to that point. I'm just bloody tired.

Said friend Laura (see below) goes home and knits a wildebeest after work. Now..I admit, I've got 23 years on her and carry more weight for my height, but it's just agravating. There's so much I want to do. A lot of it is just that my spirit is dead. I've been schlepping papers for someone else for so long, I have lost any sort of self identity. All I can do is be a cranky know-it-all. Is that all there is, Alfie?

*BOMITS: Bag of Money in the Street, credited to my gorgeous friend, Laura.

Grand Fubar

A friend of mine posted on Live Journal the other day about some huge conflagration of heavenly bodies in some astrological hooha known as the Grand Cross. Planets are at right angles, stars and constellations are trined and plaited and goddess only knows what up there to cause some sort of weirdness with the Universe.  You know, if you go in for all that.

Makes me wonder, though. Another friend of mine has been having a rash of klutziness...breaking things, cutting herself, putting things on wrong, etc. and today I'm about to go postal on the next poor slob who asks me anything.

Part of it is the move. I've just HAD it...up to here *indicates a foot over head*. Everyone seems to think I'm this grand, walking font of knowledge and that I can solve all sorts of problems and have limitless strength and patience, and worse, that I give a flying foo about those problems in the first place.

None of that is true. Yes, I know some things, yes, I put up with a HELLUVA lot before I break, but it's not limitless. I spent 15 minutes in the loo crying, throwing things, and talking to myself like Gollum this afternoon...I'm hoping once the push to get everything put away, organized, and neatened, and the beginning of the semester will ameliorate some of my hypersensitivity to bullshit. Probably not. Maybe the Grand Fubar will shift enough and I'll start spouting poetry and painting things pink.

Aaahhh...better I should go postal on your ass.

Are we there yet?

Theoretically, we're all moved in at work. My area is one of the last to be organized. Of course....hey, it's me!  We have way less room than before, but it's very nice and way beats the tiny hole in the wall I had in the English department years ago. You'd never have believed I had the financial desk; you'd have thought I was a third-rate office assistant or something. (I still relish the story the person who came two after me told, when she told the chair how much that desk actually handled and if she were going to take it over how many assistants she needed...and how wide-eyed the chair got when he said, Really?!?! Wow, I never knew...  Never did get an apology from him, but at least I got the satisfaction of knowing someone had set him straight on it.)

At any rate, these offices used to belong to women's athletics, now they're all ensconced in the fancy-schmancy new north end of DKR-Memorial Stadium, called the N-Zone. *rolls eyes* Over the years, the office areas of Bellmont have become rabbit's warrens of added walls, etc. We ended up taking several walls out to make the suites more functional.  I don't have my camera here today, but I'll try to get pics up sometime.

Obama is on campus today, so the boss is there and I'm taking my lunch at my desk to write....I left Saraswati (that's my tiny Dell Inspiron) at home, or I'd be writing on it.

The boychile had first day of band camp today. Haven't texted him yet to find out how it was...but he's not texting me saying it was hell, either, so I'm assuming it was okay. We had to drop him off early so we could get to work. There was another boy there and they were all ready to wait, but the band director stuck his nose out the door and had them come in.  W had let his hair grow pretty long and I'd already pretty much convinced him to get it cut, but after he went and ran around with his friends last week, shooting Airsoft rifles, we picked him up and he begged to get his hair cut...August in Texas, ya gotta love it. Personally, I could care less how long he grows it, but since he's starting off at a new middle school and repeating the 7th grade, I really don't want him labeled one of "those" kids, and you know they will.

Well, I'm off to the loo (I think that's what that song is really about, skip, skip...skip to my loo, skip to my loo, my darling--yep rapid bathroom trip, for sure), and then working on the supply room that holds about a third of what my old one did. Creative organization (and a large recycling bin)!

10 things I love about my life

My husband. He's a rock.

My daughter and son. They're both wacky, super smart and one day the boy will be as awesome as the girl....right now...he's 13.

My mother. She has her moments, but 95% of the time she's pretty awesome.

My friends. Sylvan, S1ren, Debi, Lorrie, Kim....I don't know what I'd do without you all, and by extension Laurie, Kress, and Mel.

My critters. I loves me some fuzzbutts.

My boss. he aggravates the hell out of me at the same time he's cracking me up. I'm going to miss him when he PCS's.

Did I mention my awesome husband? :)

My son-in-law. He doth rock.

My minivan, Louisa. Weird as it seems, she was the exact right vehicle for this time in our lives.

This adorable little Dell 11.5 laptop. I wuvs it.

The intarwebs and Mr. Google. God, I love Googling stuff! :)

Holy Fuster Cluck, Batman!

Ow.  I could end right there and have said it all. We're moving. At work, we're moving. The ROTC units at UT have been in the same building for 53 years, but the College of Liberal Arts decided it was time to tear that building down and build a big, shiny, new CLA building it its place.

At first they were trying to put all three units in the Geography building, which is older and smaller than ours. The commanders collectively kind of said..um...no...not unless you make some renovations. And to be quite honest, the GRG was just not usable the way it was. So the Navy guys were trying to solicit donations. Turns out CoLA didn't have enough money to finish tearing down our building and build the new one....an anonymous donor plunked down what they needed, with the proviso ROTC mus be in the new building. Long and short...we've all been moved to the spaces all the departments in GRG were going to be temporarily housed in while waiting for their new homes in CLA.

Army and Navy are in one building and we're in another. We're in a building that's basically slapped on the west side of DKR-Memorial Stadium.  Nice digs, but much, much smaller than what we had. Holy flaky crust...our move evidently was more organized, and smaller than the other two.  Good grief, I'd hate to have been in on those moves! I was at work until 10:15 Friday night packing, and got to work today at 0735, bucket o'bagels and gallon of coffee in hand, and didn't stop until after 1700 (that's 5 PM, y'all). My pains have pains.  Sweet marinated Jesus on the barbie...ow.  Just ow.

And while all the "stuff" has been moved, it's far from being all arranged, let alone all the shit put away.  And Colonel Bossman will be driving me nuts to get things put away, pictures hung, bladeboop.

I'm too fucking old for this shit.

Everyone but Johnny...

I've come to the conclusion that most people I know don't "get" me. That's not a self-pity thing. I just have a very bizarre sense of humor and take delight in not only expanding my knowledge on a given subject, but enlightening those around me...much to their annoyance, I might add. I either wrongly assume they know nothing about whatever it is or that they must have the same level of curiosity that I do. I'm usually wrong on both counts.

My husband gets it...he's worse than I am at these assumptions and will blithely talk your ear and then your arm and then any other hapless body parts off in endless elucidations about...Formula 1 racing or medieval knights or what had happened if so and so hadn't killed a pig early on in Texas history.   I pale in comparison in knowitallness.  I normally just listen...or rather give the appearance of listening. Two minutes later I can't tell you a damn thing about what he just said.  Not because I don't care, but because, more than likely, I'll hear it all again at some point...review sessions ftw. :)

As for my own KIAness, I suppose I need, at the ripe old age of 58, to learn that people don't give a shit.  They don't really care that potatoes aren't native to India and therefore not, in my mind, part of traditional food. The fact they've been there for 200+ years makes them traditional in everyone else's mind.  And they're right, I mean...you know 200 years is a really old tradition! *laugh*  To me, it's but a blink in the life of the universe.

My coworkers rag me all the time...if they come up with some inaccuracy, I'm there to say, "Well, actually...(and they know they're in for it right then)..." and proceed to set them all straight.

It's kind of like my plethora of cats and my collection of fabric and herd of dust rhinos. Love all of me, or...tell me to get a life....you won't hurt my feelings, cuz I know I'm annoying.

Dysnomia

That's what I have!  More and more I try to remember the right word to use and simply cannot. For instance, in my last post, I was trying to remember the correct word for dicking around with that 50-ft hose, and then again at work, same word for something else I was doing, and then again today while helping my daughter...same frippin' word I was trying to find. Finally on the way home, when I was talking about what L&J still had to do at their old apartment...packing up the last stuff, this, that, and cat WRANGLING!

WRANGLING!! GAH!

Some theories include antidepressants could be part of the cause of dysnomia. Whatever...I hate it.

June 14

It's quite unsettling when you are not in control of your feelings, but try not to worry if you aren't satisfied with what you currently have. Trust your instincts, for your ruling planet Venus enters your 4th House of Security, ensuring your common sense in love even if you consider shaking everything up for the sake of change. But be careful of overreacting or your inflexibility can create unnecessary problems. Be open to meeting others halfway or you might miss the love that's already in your life.

I know there was a very good reason for saving this one...but you know, a week later, if I don't make any notes, it's hard to say what was running through my head. I do remember the night before, as I tried to go to sleep, feeling utterly and completely out of control of my life...to the point where I actually, seriously thought about rope and the rafters of the back porch. Two main things stopped me...the first being my children. I would never, ever do that to them. What a horrible, selfish thing to do to one's children...let alone spouse, parents, siblings, co-workers, etc. The other is the thing that's always stopped me...if you give in to the long term solution to a short-term problem, you never know what the next chapter is, do you?

I've been getting steadily better since then, even though in some ways, some things are worse than they were then. But yesterday I vowed to press on, take control and stop waiting for someone to save me. Only one someone can save me....me.