addictions

Kidlet appears to be having "connectivity" issues today. And I'm having withdrawal issues. Her MSN convos are my crack...when she's not online while I am, I jones for the interaction. Somehow, chatting with her, whether happy, giddy, contemplative, mundane, bored, angry, or grief-stricken, she is my lifeline. I've said before, she's my best friend...not sure she sees me that way, but that's okay. Have I mention I have guilt, deep, numbing guilt over the way I raised her? I was far too hard on her. I raised her like my parents raised me...oy vey...

But the other day, I got a card from her that made me break down and cry...with happiness. She's proud of the person she is and I was in no small way to thank....she realized how young I was and that I did the best I could. Nothing, nothing in the entire world could have made me happy and complete like that simple card did.

I love my mother, but we just do not communicate on the same level that LL and I do. The only time I've ever had to hold back from telling my kid what I was feeling was when she was married to the "ex." I did not want to hurt her or my granddaughter, but I have to be honest and say there were genuinely times when I wanted a large rock to fall out of the sky on that man. I tried very, very hard to like him and for awhile we got along quite well. However, from the beginning, through no fault of mine, he thought I didn't like him....and it turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. And now, he can't quite get it through his dense skull that he no longer figures in LL's life...and is baffled that she doesn't think of him first...dude, she'd like to not think of you at all!

I need to get to work. This job really could be handled by a normal person in 40 hours a week, and by me in about 25-30, if I actually worked constantly. I'd love to go part time, but for some reason they think I need to be here all the time....answering the fucking phone (I hate the phone, let it be known...more poetry! If I had my way the things would be banned from existence....although they are handy when you're far away from someone and want to hear their voice), and being the "face" at the front desk. And....I'm not making it on the salary I have now, so going part time would just...suck.