My kid posted this from Thumbscrews...and what the hey, I'll bite.
“One interview to rule them all, one interview to find them! One interview to bring them all, and in the naked self-confession bind them!”
1. You can travel back in time and visit yourself at [select all applicable] 10, 16, 22 and 30. What would you tell your various temporally-disjointed selves (any hokey "buy stock in Microsoft" replies will be taken out back and accused of antitrust violations)?
10—One day you will have a son who will remind yourself so much of you that you will suddenly understand what your parents are going through now…do now what you will preach to him then, do well in school, walk away from a fight, you don’t have to be right all the time. Start saving now.
16—You are a worthwhile person, worth the effort of good grades, of giving the best you have in every endeavor. If you didn’t listen the first time, start saving now.
22—Your husband really is hotter than you think he is, try him, you’ll like him. It’s not too late for that savings account.
30—get over the past, move on and invest in yourself…and that savings account you STILL haven’t opened.
2. Analogy Tyme: if your drug of choice was an item which could be purchased at Home Depot for under $150, which one would it be, and why?
Plants and gardening tools…do I need to say more?
3. You can reanimate and spend several hours (say, sharing some Batter-Dipped Choco-Cheesecake Nibblers at the local crap-on-the-walls chain restaurant) with one of the following individuals - which one would you choose, and why?
- A deceased relative of whom you were moderately (but not overwhelmingly) fond.
- A randomly-selected serial killer of moderate notoriety.
Definitely not a serial killer, I really do not want to know what makes them tick. My cousin Cheri. We never did get on too well, but I think perhaps a lot of it was because of the artificial barriers set up between us by relatives, distance, etc. There was a lot more to her than I ever knew and she died way too young for me to have ever gotten to know her better.
4. Think of your most esoteric, potentially-humiliating sexual fantasy. Think of another, equally-odd (but completely fabricated) fantasy. Describe them both without identifying which is which.
Oh dear…I think you meant experience for the first one, since the second says fabricated and I’ve done all my sexual fantasies, at least the ones that are possible because I am a female, in reality.
5. What is the typical prison sentence for the most legally-questionable act you've ever committed?
I have no idea. Nor do I want to know.
6. Think of the worst physical pain you've ever experienced (childbirth, ping-pong ball-sized kidney stones, atomic wedgie). Think of the worst emotional pain (depression, divorce, disaster). Think of the person who is closest to you in the world (child, spouse, sibling). You must decide whether they will suffer a comparable degree of physical OR emotional pain. If you choose the former, you will be required to inflict it yourself. If you choose the latter, it will occur without any involvement on your part. Which do you choose?
Well, I would never intentionally inflict pain on those I love, and my kid has already experienced emotional pain as bad or worse than I have, so…that would be my choice.
7. You're granted the power to uncover the truth behind one very, very big secret of the modern age - who shot Kennedy? What the hell is the deal with celebrity Scientologists? You will not be permitted to share this knowledge with anyone, ever - it will be solely to satisfy your own curiosity. What do you choose to learn?
I could care less who shot Kennedy. He’s dead, whoever did it is more than likely dead, too, and I know why the celebrities go for Scientology…hrrmmm…let’s see….can’t really think of anything…sorry.
8. While purchasing some plantains at Tienda Mexicano, you find The Lord. You discover that he is a cruel, arbitrary Lord, as well as one who has read entirely too many "Choose Your Own Adventure" books. He takes you outside, sits you down on the hood of his El Camino, hands you a can of Jugo de Coco and informs you that you will never see any of your current loved ones again. They will continue to live their lives, just magically sans any awareness of your continued existence. By way of compensation, you'll be allowed to determine your own natural lifespan. You may elect to die instantly, live to 120 or any option in between. What do you choose? Why?
I choose to tell the “lord” to fuck off and go get some therapy. I don’t really want to see someone else end up like David Koresh or Jim Jones, taking hundreds of others along because of their own delusions of grandeur. And what the hell is Jugo de Coco??
9. You are given the opportunity to sample human flesh. Your enjoyment of this unusual entree will not be the result of any amoral acts - the source of your Bruce Burger (Tim Tartare? Francois Filet?) will be an individual who has died of unrelated causes. Your consumption of said flesh will not be as a result of starvation, nor as a condition of some sick wager ("Take a chomp out of Lloyd's thigh and I'll give you season tickets to Six Flags Over Highly Unlikely Transactionville"). Yea or nay?
Gack. Nay.
10. You are given a Memory Dustbuster. It looks like a regular Dustbuster, circa 1989. However, when held against the human skull, it has the ability to suck out specific memories. Like many small appliances, this one has gotten a bit finicky in its old age. It no longer removes single memories... for each one which is removed, an equal-but-opposite second memory is also vacuumed up. You can suck out a particularly awful recollection... however, you'll also lose a happy memory of comparable intensity, and you have no say in which one it happens to be.
Do you use this device? How many times?
No, I do not choose to use it. Our memories define us, make us who we are. We have bad memories to remind us of our stupidity, usually, and to tell us how bad things *could* be when shit hits the fan.
11. The Enormous Glowing Sphere of Influence Equation: how many of the following events have occurred in your life for which you've felt personally responsible? By this, I mean that the event in question would definitely NOT have occurred were it not for one or more conscious decisions on your part. Do NOT include events which were confined strictly to your professional life - thus, lawyers/doctors/matchmakers/executioners/etc. should use their discretion on this one.
- Marriages – 2, both my own
- Divorces – 1, my own
- Births/adoptions – I have two kids, so…2?
- Deaths – countless…cockroaches, fire ants, moths, microbes….although, I did tell my ex, 30 years ago, that if he didn’t stop eating like that, he was going to die of colon cancer…guess what he died of last year…
- Involuntary commitments (mental institution/rehab/prison) – uhh…none?
- Relocations of over 1,500 miles - none
- Ascension to a level of fame/renown/power sufficient to interest/impact more than 10,000 individuals – unless perhaps one of the cadets I helped to get commissioned…otherwise, none.
- Change in income level of +/- 50% - can I count the guy I got fired for sexual harassment? Or pushing my husband to get a real job?
- Formal adoption/renunciation of religious faith (or other organized belief system) – again, none that I know of.
12. An exercise in writing, randomness and self-reflection (when commenting/posting, only include item "C"):
A. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you're proudest of.
B. In exactly 25 words, describe the thing you're most ashamed of.
C. Combine the odd-numbered words from A. with the even-numbered words from B
My lack daughter closeness her my intelligence when sense was humor child her understanding as much person loved spite because my me as was mother.
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